I started to see a theme in what I was reading and hearing over the weekend. A number of articles and the sermon at church all revolved around children, anxiety, and the consequences of not enough unscheduled time.
On Sunday, I was able to visit our church in Northern Virginia. Prince of Peace was celebrating the 40th anniversary of its preschool.
In his sermon, Pastor John talked raised the question of whether parents are sacrificing their children. Are we willing to put our children in God's hands? Are we teaching our children about God's love first and foremost?
Now, in this day we aren't talking about being prepared to offer our children as a physical sacrifice, like Abraham was prepared to do with his son, Isaac. But, are we as parents sacrificing our children based on those things that we position as priorities? What are we communicating by our words and deeds as being important?
On the plane home, I was reading the October issue of the Washingtonian. The article, "
Am I Good Enough Now?" really got under my skin. So much so that I haven't been able to get the issues out of my mind. The article is well written, and right on point, but the tone reported on got to me. I really hope this attitude is another example of where DC is not like the rest of the country in terms of what passes for "normal."
DC is really a fishbowl filled with highly intelligent, ambitious people--parenthood takes this ambition to a whole different level. Where your son/daughter is going to kindergarten is as high-pressure a decision as where they're going to high school or college. It's about the right activities, the right classes, the right grades. Otherwise, the child's entire future might be on the line because his/her kindergarten wasn't the
right one.
"I need to know my kid is fully prepared" [a local mother] says. "Where you go to college follows you everywhere. I live where the prestige of having a kid go to a really good college is important. It's a reflection of who I am." (emphasis mine).
So, it's not really about what is best for the child, but how the child's achievements reflect on the parents. What the kids achieve in school is one more chit to add to the parents resume. I'd venture to say that starting from the position of parenting based on how it makes the parents look to the neighbors/peers isn't as good for the child as parenting based on what is truly best for the child.
Are we sacrificing our children by emphasizing how what they do does to our reputation?
Parents, in the quest to manage the outcome of their child's transcript in order to get them into the right school, are hovering, doing homework, involving themselves in every aspect. The ability of the child to learn to act independently, deal with consequences (oh the horror), and grow into confident, self-sufficient, self-reliant adults is disappearing. If we make their education and accomplishments about us, aren't we raising kids who rather than developing a strong sense of self-confidence, end up with kids whose entire identity is wrapped up in whether or not they achieved what made mom and dad look good as opposed to what gave them happiness and a sense of fulfillment?
"If you pave the road too smoothly, you don't develop shock absorbers," Rathborne says. "They are lost, confused, and unsure of where to go. They had it mapped out--kindergarten, first through 12th, college, and graduate school. The conveyor belt is clear. So if you've dropped off the conveyor belt, there is no road map."
Better Homes and Gardens, in the November issue, has an article about helping kids find their passion. If we overschedule them (taking charge of every free minute they have) not only will we stress them out, but we may squelch their ability to find what it is that they really love.
I can see how finding a balance will be challenging. It will be tempting--it already is--to step in and solve problems for my boys. Goodness knows my parents have helped me out of a jam more than a time or two. I see the seeds of this with my boys when I tell them to do something and without missing a beat they reply "You do it, Mommy." It might be easier and more expedient for me to just take care of it myself (hey, no arguments or tears), but am I sacrificing their ability to learn how to take responsibility? Oh yes (and leaving myself exhausted and frustrated).
An article in The Atlantic discussed how the lack of play is causing more anxiety and depression in kids. It's the same phenomenon that the Washingtonian article discusses but from a different angle. This article attempts to provide a solid look at how unschedule play benefits kids. Play helps kids learn how to resolve conflict, think independently, exert self-control, and find happiness. The Washingtonian article is simply reporting what is common practice in the DC area.
As we overschedule our kids, demand more of them (to improve our status) what we're really doing is stressing our kids out and sacrificing their ability to learn how to solve problems and deal with life. Kids need time that we as parents don't schedule so that they can learn how to deal with real life.
My dad used to say, "you need to learn to be bored." I didn't appreciate it at the time, but boy, was he right.
